I've struggled with how exactly to share this page.
Perhaps it's because I have to be honest about my family of origin.
Maybe it's because I have to share how long it took me to find my own voice.
It could be because I'm still healing the physical wounds from my own trauma.
Whatever the reason is, it's hard to dig deep and open up to the world wide web. It's a vulnerable feeling to share your pain with the world and it feels wrong to shine a light into your soul.
But here I am; in all my vulnerability and honesty. Showing up, the same way I ask my clients to.
I grew up in a small town outside Portland, Oregon.
Everything about the Pacific Northwest still owns my heart.
The mountains still stand like boundaries.
The forests breathe life into my passions and purpose.
The ocean wraps me in love and self care.
Everything I am began here.
While my childhood was something to envy, my teen years were riddled with toxicity, emotional abuse and severe manipulation.
I was the eldest of 5, and it was my job to lead the way in absolute obedience.
I was told that I was a bad daughter so often, I came to believe it.
At 14 I began working full time for my father's family owned hearing aid business.
At 16 I was running the business and supporting my family financially.
I graduated a year early and at 17 began attending Spokane Falls Community College online where I would receive my Associates Degree in Hearing Instrument Sciences.
I spent most of these years battling depression. It was so constant that I didn't know there was anything different. When I spoke up about this subject I was told that it was normal and that I wasn't trusting God enough.
Throughout my teens I struggled with suicidal thoughts, but now I know that I was fully in danger of taking my life at any given moment. This was also brought to my parent's attention and nothing was done about it.
I was told that I was selfish, disobedient and rebellious. That I deserved to be stoned to death according to Old Testament law. That if I was ever able to trap a man, he would leave me once I disrespected him the same way I disrespected my father. Nothing I did was ever good enough and I bounced wildly between despair and stubborn resilience.
Weight is an issue that everyone in my family struggles with. By the age of 13, my father had made it clear to me that I was obese. I tried diet after diet throughout all of my teens.
At 18 I was given an antibiotic to treat acne. I was supposed to take this long term. 1 month later, it had increased the spinal fluid in my head, putting pressure on my eyes and brain. After visiting the ER and my doctor several times, my father told me to stop complaining about the daily migraine and double vision I was experiencing because I was scaring my mother.
Several weeks after that, when he asked me to drive my brother to martial arts and I replied "I don't feel comfortable driving at night, because I can't tell how far away the other cars are", he made an appointment with an eye doctor.
It was after nearly losing my eyesight that I was allowed to attend a Christian Art School. I had been begging to attend after I had attended a workshop and discovered that I had some skill at drawing.
My father agreed to go back to work and cover the office for me on Thursdays so that I could attend the weekly classes. I made it up to him by dropping out a year later and opening a second branch for the business he had started.
I began this enterprize with several thousand in savings. After driving an hour one way to work for a year, and not having made a penny from the endeavour, I was fired for asking my sister who was my secretary to open the mail. I applied for a job at Costco and left home with 87.00 in my bank account.
Despite believing that no man could ever love me, I managed to find a man who was willing to put up with our crazy misbeliefs around courtship.
I moved out of my parents' home to Clarkston, WA 5 months before my wedding to David Hegstad, the man who would teach me what love meant and that I was worthy of self care.
Working at Costco proved to be an even more toxic situation and when I came near having a mental breakdown I quit without giving notice.
A week later we moved to North Dakota to live with David's parents.
In 2013, I had my first miscarriage
It was a time of huge confusion and frustration. Thinking I was pregnant, I had taken several tests, which all came back negative. When my period started it, it was worse than any experience I'd ever had until that point.
When I realized that I had in fact been pregnant and had lost the baby, I blamed myself. I had drunk alcohol the night before I started bleeding and I assumed that I had killed my baby.
For 2 years I felt guilt, hatred and shame. For 2 years, I struggled with more infertility and avoided telling people the pain I had experienced.
In 2015, my best friend, Brigette introduced me to a product called Juice Plus, and my journey to Health Coach officially began.
Over the next 5 years, I would go on to stumble my way through learning about health, nutrition, boundaries, self care and forgiveness.
On September 28th, 2017 I walked away from my father forever. One by one my siblings told me that I would need to apologize to him if I wanted to be in their lives. It's been 3 years of learning and facilitating peace for David and myself.
In October of 2016 and July of 2017 I had a second and third miscarriage.
In the spring of 2018 I received my Health Coach Certificate from Dr. Sears' certification program.
That following summer, I attended Nicole Jardim's hormones apprenticeship and learned more about why I was having trouble conceiving and carrying to term than all of the health professionals I'd seen previously combined. These included: 2 OBGYN's, 1 Naturopath, 1 Midwife and a Chiropractor.
It was at this point that I realized I was going to have to fix myself. No one else could help me and no one else cared.
It's been through this journey that I have learned:
- My teen years DESTROYED my hormones
- The antibiotic at 18, was the first missed period I ever had
- Denying who I was to satisfy my father's desires only hurt me, and never helped him
- My miscarriages were NOT my fault
- My infertility, weight and anxiety is a scar from the wounds I received as a child
- Every single woman on the planet deserves better than this
- We are strong, beautiful creations of God, and He did not design us to be abused or used
- Each and every one of us has been given a unique and special purpose
- When we stay silent, we silence that purpose
- I will no longer stay silent